Vet / Insecurity

We had to go to the vet yesterday and the day before yesterday, my dog was vomiting everything she ate. She couldn’t even drink water. But she’s all good now! She’s getting better, she got shots and she’s taking some pills that her vet gave us. I was so scared I would lose her. She means so much to me, I can’t ever lose her. She’s my little daughter.
Right now she’s resting on my bed, what she always does around this time, 11:45 a.m.

And I have the need to talk about this. Sometimes I come across girls on instagram that I think are really pretty, I love their style. I start to follow them cause I find them inspiring in some way. I started following this one girl on instagram called maddy, and in the past couple of days I’ve noticed she disappeared. I remember she made a post or two that are basically letting her followers know that she’s insecure. I remember she posted one photo and the caption was ‘I’m embarrassed to post’. That came as a surprise to me, cause in my eyes she’s beautiful, and I never would’ve thought she doesn’t see herself that way. I’m sad she disappeared, I was looking forward to her posts, but if she needs to be off social media, she should.
Social media can be very toxic, that’s why I often take breaks from them. I hope she’s okay, and I hope she comes back when she’s ready.
Also, seeing her post saying ‘I’m embarrassed to post’ kinda helped me. There’s this gorgeous girl that’s insecure and doesn’t see how pretty she is. There are people who think I’m pretty and I don’t see what they see. People I think look nice don’t see themselves that way. That surprises me, but if they knew I don’t think of myself the way they think of me, they would be surprised too. Most people are just as insecure as I am.

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Getting healthier

The beginning of this year is quite slow. I’m resting and enjoying my free time. But I shouldn’t waste time, I’ve already waisted one whole year.
I’ve been trying to gain weight, and oh boy, is it hard. I’m very skinny, I’ve always been. When I was younger I wasn’t bothered by that, but as I started maturing, and because of that getting skinnier, it started to bug me. I have a fast metabolism so gaining weight has been almost impossible my whole life. Thankfully I have a tiny skeleton so I don’t look too bad.
When I say that I’m very skinny, what I actually mean is: if you saw me, you might be wondering if I’m okay. I eat a lot, I love food, but I don’t look like that, hahha…
I don’t wear clothes that I want to because of the way my body looks, and that will change soon, and I’m so excited.
I now have a personal trainer that is my friend, Justin. He’s helping me with all of this, at the moment he’s explaining to me how to weigh food and count calories properly. All of that is so scary to me, reminds me of math, which I hate. But I’ll put in the work, I have to work hard to gain weight. I haven’t gained weight since I was 15 years old. I lost weight, then I gained it back, but I never gained more than what I had when I was 15, and that’s bad.

I will do my best to be consistent on this blog, there’s so much I want to write about. I would also like to make picture blog posts, I would go somewhere and take photos and post them here, but sadly I don’t go anywhere, for now at least.
I’m still figuring out my niche, hope you don’t mind!

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Motivationless / Unlovable

And here we are again. I told myself this wouldn’t happen again. I told myself I will never fall back. I didn’t lie, I was convinced I wouldn’t. But here we are.
I try to keep myself positive, I try to keep myself on a higher frequency. When I have a negative thought, I try to let it go. But sometimes, I hold onto it and end up spiraling into negativity. That results into me stopping all the good stuff that are supposed to happen and lacking motivation to do things that I want to, or have to. Which is a big issue, especially when it comes to my blog. When I lack motivation, I lack ideas. When I lack ideas, I don’t write. When I don’t write, I feel even worse for not writting. It’s a good thing that I’m aware of it.

This year I will do my best not to be so harsh on myself. We are so critical of ourselves, we see things that others around us don’t. We can’t imagine being loved and accepted by another person because of a flaw we might have. We convince ourselves that they are staring at our flaws and are disgusted, when in reality, that’s us. We are staring at our flaws and are disgusted. That other person notices, but doesn’t care. They themselves have flaws and are accepting of our flaws, because they want that acceptance back. They are fully aware that people are not perfect, and they’re not looking for it. Of course, some people will be assholes, and will try to make you feel bad for having these flaws, you shouldn’t have these people in your life.
It’s good that I understand that, but I can’t seem to get over that barrier I have. That ugly little voice in my head is telling me that they will laugh at me if they see me. So I cover myself up… I will try to break out of this state and silence that voice in my head, but will I succeed?  Let’s just say I have really bad intimacy issues that I need to work on, and I probably need help of a professional.
Some thoughts of mine have been spilled here, hope you don’t mind.

Happy New year and I really hope that we all work on ourselves this year. Self reflection is very important.

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New year, new chapter

I apologize for not being active lately. I wasn’t doing very well and I hated my previous post, which I now deleted. I sounded too bitter in that one, and I really don’t want to be like that. Merry Christmas if you’re celebrating, hopefully it’s not too late to say that!

It’s the end of 2018, and I can’t help but look back and reflect on what my life has been this year. I haven’t achieved much in life, but I grew tremendously. So I would say this year has been very successful. I’m still learning to forgive certain people, but I seem to have less anger than I did before. I’m proud of myself. May I grow even more next year!

I would also like to talk about my new year resolutions. 2019 is the year I will monetize my blog and start making money this way. I might find something else to do as another way to make money. I will try harder to take care of myself, due to depression I tend to fall into not taking care of myself, skipping meals etc. I will push myself to self reflect even more than I did this year. And the hardest thing I’ll try: let down my barriers for others, to come in, to find out who I really am. I will be opening up on my blog about some things that I need to let out. Things that shaped me into who I am, they define me. And I want you people to know me better. Also, I feel strongly about these topics, so keep an eye out.
But taking my barriers down for people I know in real life will be very hard, and I’m afraid I can’t do that. I’ll try my best though.

Comment your new year resolutions if you want to, so I can read them. 🙂

I hope your next year will be better than this year!

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This picture was taken this morning, while I was walking my dog. I love my neighbourhood, it’s so quiet and pretty. I had to share this photo with you!

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Visualize and feel it

If you practice the law of attraction, you know how hard it is to practice it sometimes. Or at least, I hope I’m not the only one struggling! I don’t have any issues with it right now, after realizing how ‘acting as if’ works.

I kept being told that ‘acting as if’ is important. I didn’t understand it cause no one really explained it to me. How do you act as if you already have what you want if you don’t have it, and your mind keeps reminding you about the lack you have? Do you do something different than you normally would, with your daily activities?
It was very confusing. But than I stumbled upon a video on youtube, made by a positive and happy old man (the channel is called Law of Attraction Solutions). It was about the link between ‘acting as if’ and visualization.
That video changed the whole game for me.
After watching the video, I was very motivated to start doing it, so I was sitting in my chair with my eyes closed. I visualized myself how I want to look like, and I visualized myself being successful. I immediately started feeling pretty, confident, important and rich. After one minute of visualizing, I went back to doing what I do everyday.
While I was doing my daily activities (like washing the dishes), I was doing it with confidence, and I felt so content, like there isn’t a single problem that I have. My flaws didn’t bother me anymore. Everything was great, and my motivation to keep working hard came back.
It’s not about doing something different, or acting a certain way. It’s about doing everything the same, acting the same, but feeling content, balanced, and like you’re on top of the world. It’s about acting the same but with a different perception, that allows you to feel good about yourself and your future. Of course, taking opportunities and making risks definitely helps, depending on what it is you’re trying to achieve.
But you should first feel good and confident doing everyday things.

If you’re struggling with ‘acting as if’, visualize for about a minute, a few times a day. How do you feel having what you want? How does it feel physically? If you’re trying to improve your appearance, what do you look like in the mirror? Visualize in first person (mostly) !

My lil angel Bella

I just have to make a post talking about my dog, because I love her and she means so much to me.

She was supposed to be my mum’s second dog, but I bonded with her. The moment she looked at me and lifted up her little hands (not paws, hands) towards me, I was in love with her.
That happened over a year ago. Can’t believe it’s been that long.
We’ve been through a lot together, she takes care of me mentally and emotionally. I can’t tell you how many times I felt unwell, mentally or physically, and she was there for me. A few days ago she licked the tears off my face when I was histerically crying.
I was sitting on the floor in my room, crying. She came up to me, carefully watched me, got concerned, quickly climbed up into my lap, wiped my tears and gave me a million kisses. She successfully made me feel better. And she made me laugh too.

She is the funniest living being I’ve ever met. She is so pure, it’s insane. Too good for this world for sure. Recently when I took her for a walk, she saw two cats fight. That scared her so much, when we came home, she was in a state of shock for about an hour. Seeing violence of any kind traumatizes her. I’ve never met a dog that is so soft and fragile.
I would like to add that she never experienced a trauma. We got her from our ex-neighbour when she was 3 months old. They never picked her up and they never pet her cause she was so full of energy, she couldn’t be still for a minute. But they treated her well. She’s just soft by nature.
She never bit me or anyone else. She bites my hand while we’re playing, but she would never bite me for real, she would never hurt a fly.
She’s my dog, my daughter, my best friend, my soulmate, my guardian angel. 💖

 

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• One of her favourite things to do in the morning is sleeping in my bed

 

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• You can literally see how she’s holding her toy tightly with her fingers!

 

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• This picture was taken a few days ago. Look at that face!

I just had to make a lighter post after a very depressing one. I hope you enjoyed this post about my dog, I just had to write about her. I’ll probably write about her sometime in the future too!

Invisible

I’m 21 and I’m unemployed. I can’t get an actual job, for reasons known to me. So I try to start something online. Everyone talks about ways to earn money online, and they make it sound so easy, when in reality, it’s really fucking hard, unless you’re internet famous and people actually pay attention to you. There are surveys that you can take and make money watching videos, basically. But only if you live in America, of course. I live in Europe, Croatia.

I’m at a point of giving up on everything. I try selling my photography, no one seems to see my work. If I try something else, something’s telling me it wouldn’t work out. Here’s a thing, I’m invisible to everyone. In real life, online… it’s like I don’t even exist. And I’m so scared of my future, it doesn’t look bright, not even a little bit. No one’s interested in what I have to offer. I won’t give up yet. But I feel like giving up.
I’ve made wire wrapped crystal pendants, the wire wraps around in a spiral. I’ll put it up on etsy, promote it on tumblr and instagram, in hope someone likes it, and buys it…
I feel like that’s not going to happen though. Maybe I’m just being a negative Nancy and I should have a positive attitude? Probably… But I’m just feeling so down lately. Every time I try to practice the law of attraction, I fail. It’s hard to feel good and be happy when you can’t provide money for your basic needs, and when becoming homeless is a very real possibility.